my LogiC

sometimes it feels like a curse, to be born the Questioning one. it seems it would be so much easier to have no ideas at all. No question. to mindlessly follow. but id rather be ostracized from a machine i dont belong to, than to throw away the most bright and special part of me.

 i am not a part, i am a flower. 

i dont belong in a machine. 

i would rather wilt, than rust. 

flowers now seen as primitive and useless 

useless unless working 

but flowers do work   in a different way when you see them. look. stop working and look 

i want when you look at me, to stop and think. Stop looking, Stop working, Think. 

thats much more valuable than giving in,

to their blood money.  They will not capture my soul. 

why are we fighting to survive? 

Why are we fighting for our rights? as Earths children it is our right  to grow here

venting about THAT STUFF

 my therapist Says its not my job to fix people.. But i cant help shake this feeling that its my mission. 

I know i cant beat myself up over them being stubborn.. But i cant give up. I WAS planted in this broken family To save them. To show them how to have empathy.   I need to save my mom. who else is going to save my mom?  But it feels too big to do by myself.  Dads issues are really deep. Im starting to wonder if hes too far gone. This is my delemma… 

I want to confront my dad completely , and stick up for mom. I want to hold my ground when he tries to say Im crazy. When he tries to say he never hit her. 

But i also. dont want mess everything up. Dad is getting really old. Things are definitely Weird right now, But their as normal as theyll ever be. If i confront him on this, things will never be okay again.  I want things to just be okay. 

But things really arent okay. it might seem like it for him. but not okay for me. I wrote him that letter hoping he would relize how hes wrong. How he hurt us. But it didnt work. I dont know what will work. Should i get into witchcraft? To hack his brain? Is that the only way? to heal a narcissist? I just need him to feel empathy. Once. I just need him to be sorry. and relize hows hes hurt us. 

Why cant he see how hes hurt us. Its so obvious, even people who arent in our family can tell. My mom is so young. Hes so old. Im so young. I have mental issues. Hes egotistical and only cares about how he looks to other people. It all makes sense. thats why hes so ashamed of me. He knows how it looks. He knows im the dead giveaway. 

For him to lie to my face. Lie to my face. About what i saw. What i heard. He so causally does this. On even the small things. He will change the past. And try to change my memories. i just cant handle it anymore. 

Does he even know that hes doing that? maybe he truly does believe the lies hes given himself. Hes been telling this fake story so many years he thinks its the truth.  But i was there. and i saw it. They saw the bruises. I heard the screaming. 

But he told me that was a dream. and im crazy. And moms even more crazy for thinking that happened to her. 

He is the most crazy. for thinking he can hide. from God. 

You cant hide from god. You cant hide from yourself. In the end. you will have to face yourself. Youll have to face all the pain you put us through. Forever 

But i Dont want it to come to this. Which is why i want to help him. before then. But im afraid its impossible.