LIFE UPDATE TIMEE
you ever just get a vibe???? Scary vibes emitting from objects, places, people, scenarios. I felt sick sitting here typing at the computer, like something awful was waiting to happen to me. But i think im okay now. I was just playing too many papas freezeria cheeseria bakeria donuteria THAT I WAS STRESSED OUT, MAN!!!!!!!
. Ok. So. first and foremost, my dream last night. lets see..... i was stuck in a huge shopping mall, with abunch of people who i assume i was in school with. THE MALL WAS SCHOOL. BUT WE WERE TRAPPED INSIDE. AND FORCED TO RUN THE FITNESS GRAM PACER TEST THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE MALL.... What a fucking mess. Not to mention my ex b0yfriend was there, who ive been having chronic nightmares of nearly every night. my therapist says its my brain processing trauma, but i miss him more than anything.
i was doing so well these last few months. self harm sobriety, abusive boyfriend sobriety, starving myself sobriety,. until BAM. we drove past his house on the way to.. hm.. idk. ALL I REMEMBER IS.. THIS SUDDEN BURST IN MY MIND THAT MADE ME WANT TO DIE ALL OVER AGAIN. I hid my tears by facing the window till we got home, nirvana blasting in my skull candies. {Reminds me of him...} I run up to my room and i HAD to text him. That i miss him. that i think of him every single day nearly all day long and every single thing i see eyes open and shut reminds me of our time together and how badly i wish i could go back to when he loved me. ( i dont think he ever did..)
i waited for a response. waiting. waiting. waiting . Until i realized he UNADDED ME AS A FRIEND. ive never felt so abandoned and unwanted. even though im the one who had to leave HIM. So i blocked him and unblocked him over and over, my emotions creating a wavey mess of spaghetti tangled nausea in my stomach. send friend request. cancel friend request. resend request. BOOM. [REDACTED] accepted your friend request. AHAHAHAHA YES YAY MY SWEET BABY HE LOVES ME LOVES ME LOVES ME!!!!!!!!!!!
He responds.. "im not gonna make you happy." Yes you are. if youd only love me..... whats so hard about that.
Basically he explains we can "be friends again" a.k.a fuck buddies No emotional attachment allowed., But im not important enough to him anymore for him to text me frequently AT ALL. So thats the scoop on my situationshipy.
Did i slit my wrists after this interaction RUINING my 3 month clean streak? Yes.
Do i love him more than anything in the whole wide world?
Yes.
My brain is one big 404 ERROR.
Besides this mess, I HAVE A JOB INTERVIEW!!!!!!!!!! YES YES YES, ANGIE WILL NO LONGER BE AN UNEMPLOYED POVERTY RIDDEN CHILD.
(Or so i hope!) Theres a big part of me that finds it so incomprehensible that I, ME, could have so much FREEDOM, as to have very own JOB. Are u kidding!? 2 good 2 be true..... But im hoping for the best plz plz plz god THIS IS THE START OF MY LIFE THIS SI THE PUSH I NEED TO SUCCESS...
Anywh0, for those wondering, its a record store. video game movie cd store. And if i get this job, theres a big chance ill run into a nerdy hot boyfriend who will make me forget all about [REDACTED]. So please God, let this work.
Now i have to get ready nice and professional so bye bye
